Mother's Love?

Its funny how someone you love can just push you away. You try your hardest everyday just for them. And what do they do, silently push you away. She comes crying to me b/c one of her druggy friends betrayed her and is a bitch. I feel my heart breaking as i try to tell her its ok, your a good person you can find better friends. Inside my head i scream look in front of you who has been here all along who have you been pushing away. While you go off with these so called friends have you ever thought of who your leaving behind. Of course i'd never tell her this she'd cry and apologize and the next day she'd leave again. So I'm breaking inside watching those tears fall from her eyes wanting to kill the bitch who made her cry and then she says she has to leave. I offer to go with her. No. I'll walk home you dont have to worry about me. No. No. No. then she's gone. And that place in my heart is empty as she walks away. leaving me behind. But i'll hold my smile and pretend nothing can hurt me. No tears. And when she comes again i'll smile and welcome her even though i know she wont stay. I'll be the perfect daughter. Quite, smart, well behaved, and smiling. She'll never know how bad she hurts everyday as she pushes me further away.

I thought to myself the other day why do i try so hard for my mom and not my dad? My dad is always there for me he comes to all my contest and school stuff. He takes care of me and is there when she's not. So why do i try so hard for her? Because i'm trying to win her love. Telling myself if my grades are good enough she'll love me. If i play well enough. If i'm pretty enough, if i'm kind enough, maybe if i were perfect. But sadly i'm not, top of my class not good enough, in stuco and uil and band not enough, and beauty is something i could only dream of having. But i realize that no matter how hard i try i can't win her love but if it gets her attention for even a moment then i'll try harder everyday. And maybe someday she'll see me maybe someday she'll love me.

Ok to anybody who actually read this Sorry i know its depressing as was my previous post. I'll try to have something happy to say soon. I type these depressing posts to release the pain bottle up inside to complete strangers cause i don't wish to worry those around me. So yes i'm a depressed teenager and i hide it. I smile like i don't hate the world around me but i do.......Please don't hate me for the depressing posts ( not that anyone reads these) *sigh* sorry its been a long day. Heres to hoping for a better tomorrow.

Making a difference

I spent the weekend at my mom's which is always an interesting time. We stayed up all night playing cards. At school games don't interest me but when its against my family i get extremely competitive. The card game was called golf and it was really fun but i kept losing. but before that my mom had some things to do we went to see one of my moms friends for his birthday. Surprisingly he was a funny guy my moms friends tend to be just annoying drunks. I couldn't help but laugh at everything he said. like were talking about a car crash and he says "well i never crash into anything. The other day i crashed into a tree though. But its my tree i can run it over if i want to." After that we stopped by the bar where his party was going to be. And guess what they were serving mountain oysters (for those of you who don't know thats bull balls) I didn't eat any though. We only stayed for a few minutes but that was all it took to make my stomach sick. I can't stand cigarettes or alcohol. And this guy came up and tried to flirt with me and did the worst thing he possibly could have(automatic bad first impression) He lit up a cigarette. Not to say i hate people who smoke (my dad smokes) i just don't like to be around people when they smoke(or drink) After all this we went home and ate spaghetti.
Then i saw this cute little brown puppy. she's a mix between a chihuahua and a wiener dog. And found out the boy there beats it(my mom lives on the land of some of her friends and we were in there house) and they were going to kill it. I decided i couldn't let that happen and that i would take it home only 1 problem, No pets allowed in my house(its rented) But how could i let that little baby girl die. Well i couldn't so i was gonna find her a home. So when i got home i asked my dad if she could stay with us until i could find her a home, he said i had one week or it was off to the pound with her. And that she had to stay in my room. Last night she slept in my bed i tried to tell myself i couldn't get attached to her(thats why i didn't name her) but she was so cute. Today i found her a home my friend tyler is taking her and he named her Sandy. I'm happy she has a home now but i'm really gonna miss her
This week is TAKS(Texas Accessment of Knowledge and Skill) week today was math and then Thursday i have science Friday Social Studies. The tests are really easy but there so long and boring Its gonna be a long week T-T but on the bright side we won't be doing much in class this week. After the test you read until everybodies done and i started Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater
good so far but just started. Oh well thats it for now Stevens coming over in a bit so gotta clean up my room.

U.I.L. and the Cancer walk

4:30 in the fucking morning really? it should be illegal to make kids get up so early. Yesterday we had the regional U.I.L contest and i had to get up at 4:30am. yes that right 4:30 Ugh i was so tired. Now being a sophomore of course i had to sit with somebody so i didn't sleep on the way up there. I sat with Jake though and he was really nice. We science teamers have to stick together. He offered to let me sit by the window and use his pillow so i could get some sleep on the way up there. Then he offered to put my purse on his stuff so it wouldn't be on the nasty floor. and talked and joked with me on the way up there noticing my obvious boredom. He was really sweet despite his inner hate for me since I'm top of the class and he is second. and the boys in my grade are very competitive and annoyed by my lack of interest in their trivial competitions.
The ironic thing about my being on the science team is i hate science. I hate all the boring rules and process and all the bizarre theories. I hate hearing this and this is true b/c this whack job scientist says so but has no proof. Yet I'm intrigued by the stars and the way two things can mix and be something completely different. I hated biology with all its crazy details that never seem to stick but find myself wondering how it all works. Chemistry bores me out of my mind and surprises me with its little fact and experiments. This crazy mix of feeling toward science and my teachers request led to my joining the science team. Ah well.
As for the competition it was a total fail for me *sigh* There were so many question about plants and i know nothing about plants. and out of the 20 physics questions i answered 1. It was a really hard test. My genius bother bobby made 2nd in physics with a 34 while the 1st place physics had a 66 that's like unheard of this kid must of been some kinda genius. *sigh again*
I was there from 7am until4 pm and i had one event that lasted about an hour and a half the rest of the time was spent reading manga. I read two skip beats and one Ruroni Kenshin. I'm almost done with Ruroni Kenshin and i must say its amazing i absolutely love the series and would definitely suggest this one as well.
Once we got home at like 6:30pm i went home long enough to grab some tennis shoes and water and went straight to the cancer walk which goes from 6pm to 6am and planned to stay the whole night. Me, Kayla and Steven walked until 8 at which point we worked the concession stand for stuCo for 3 hours talk about boring. but i got free food. Steven had done wondered off my then (he's not really in StuCo) They had Randi speak and the ceremony was really beautiful.then more walking. And then the beauty pageant in which the guys dressed like girls. One of these guys was my older brother whose girlfriend had to help arrange his temporary boobs(made out of balloons) The guys had to walk around in their dresses and raised money for the cancer society. Another one of the guys who dressed up was Jake same guy as earlier. Some of these guys got a little to into. And Bobby's girlfriend got mad b/c Curtis grabbed his boobs. It was really funny I'll post pics as soon as i get copies(my camera was dead) Bobby just carried a bucket for the money but Jake had people putting money in his bra and one guy had some in his thigh high stocks. It was a rather disturbing sight the winner raised $957 and got a pink tiara. About midnight we got bad weather warnings so we packed up tents and tables and began some cleanup(also working for NHS) at about 1:30 hardly anybody remained and our NHS sponsor told us to go home so we left i crashed at about 2 am.I watched the sun rise set and almost rise again. And after such a long day my mom calls and wakes me up at 7am so today will be another long day.
Plan for the day: Going out to my mom's place. Gonna play games and hang out and have family time. Then spending the night there and returning some time tomorrow. Fun.Fun.

Just another day

Band contest yesterday went ok. we didn't make sweepstakes. T-T We got straight 1s on our music but a 2 on sight-reading. Really sight-reading. Because we didn't slow down and a stupid trumpet kept messing up. well kinda upset about that but the trip was fun and i got out of school for it. The whole way up there Scott told me about all these animes i need to watch and then we aggravated Kayla while she was trying to read. Fun Fun.
Today i had to go back to school and make up all my work. I had two tests to make up Chemistry and Algebra 2. School was boring today nothing happened. Well Jake(just some guy in my class) got glasses and he's totally bummed but they really don't look that bad on him. other wise nothing new today. Last night i had to write two poems for English. One from the point of view of someone on the Titanic and one a metaphor about some one i know. Well here they are. Tell me what you think.

Today we board the Titanic
I’ve never seen a ship before
It looked so very big
And the passengers like tiny ants
I can’t help but feel uneasy
And my mother’s words do not help
She thinks saying the Titanic is unsinkable
Is like flying in the face of God
She has decided not to sleep at night
Neither will I
I wake as my father enters
He’s in a hurry
He picks me up
It is happening
The Titanic is sinking
My mother and I are placed on a life boat
But Daddy stays behind
Daddy stays on the Titanic
All around me I hear screaming
People are drowning
People are dying
The Titanic is sinking
Then it is silent
A terrible, deathly silence

This one is written from the point of view of a girl named Eva Hart who was 7 then. Her and her mother survived but her father died. The next one is about my mother.

My mom is a bird
She flies away
Unable to stay in one place
Soaring high in the sky
In a world so unlike mine
So close yet so far
Something you see but can not touch
For as soon as you are near
She flies away
Her love for adoration
Her need for love
So fragile, so easy to break
But even with broken wings
She still seems to fly away
Leaving behind this world
Leaving behind me
But here I shall wait
For my bird to return

I guess its pretty self explanatory, but its all about my mom and how she hasn't really been around for me.
Aside from school my day has been boring. I just finished all my homework and my brother stole my PS2 so i can't play my game. And all my friends live to far away to hang out. *sigh*oh the boredom. Ah well tata for now hopeful i'll have something more interesting to say next time.