Thinking about you

Im just gonna say this now. I tired of thinking about! your all thats on my mind 24/7 your the reason i keep drawing this stupid heart. When im with you i cant help but smile i cant help but be happy and giggly and everything seems perfect. I get high off your smell and drunk off your kiss. One small kiss and im intoxicated wanting more and becoming oblivious to those around me. you make me do things id never do before. Act all lovey dovey yeah thats so not me but with you i cant help it Make out in public? never but once you kiss me i never want to stop i fear the judgmental glances of passer byers but if you dont care than why should I. When you hold me its like heavan your warm strong arms pulling me close not letting me go gently kissing my neck not caring who sees. The way you pick on me and then apoligize and tell me over and over again how srry you are and how much you love me. You make me so happy with you simply being you even though your a meanie and i have to remind you constantly to be nice. even though you say im to nice and i care to much, and you dont care enough. The way you pull me close and say im to far away the way you hold my hands and look at me i fear im falling for it. The moment you leave i begin to miss you and all i think about is when i'll see you again. I could probably write 1000 words about all the things i love about you and we've only been together for a short period of time. Now dont get me wrong i dont believe im in love with you but i believe i defiantly could fall for ya boy and i love all the things ya do babe and i cant wait till i see you again so i can tell you myself that i missed and kiss you not caring if the world sees

Wonder

I wonder what its like to be beautiful
To know the whole world looks at you in admiration
To know they all stop and stare in awe
To know he'll always notice when you walk by
I wonder what its like to not be so invisible
To know your efforts will be recognized
To not go through the hallways unnoticed
To be acknowledged by someone
To be accepted by anyone
I wonder what its like to be liked
To be greeted with a smile in the morning
To not spend the day sitting all alone
To not have them whisper behind your back
To be accepted
I wonder what its like to be loved
To feel your arms around me
To be kissed by you
To be on your mind
To be the one you call beautiful
I wonder what its like not to wonder
to jump right in
To make what you want come true
To do crazy things
To skydive, sing to a crowd or scream out my feeling
I wonder what its like to be unafraid
To take the risk
To actually be brave
To do the things i never imagined
To not worry about being hurt
I wonder what its like to be whole
to not have a heart so broken
To have never been hurt
To still have that blissful ignorance
To Smile wholeheartedly
To not have to pretend
I wonder if such things are even possible
I wonder if i'll be able to stop wondering
I wonder if the answers will ever find there way to me

My brother

You were the 1st born, the 1st to walk, the 1st to get a girlfriend, and this year you'll be the 1st to graduate. This year is sure to be filled with excitement as it will be your last here. Your senior year is finally here your so close to freedom and so close to leaving home. So close to leaving us behind. So heres a message from your little sis for you before you go. We've been together all my life and all but 11 months of yours so i admit i get scared at the thought of you leaving. Time seems to be flooding by too fast it seems like not long ago we were playing in the dirt and fighting over toys. As we aged we aged together so close leaving our little brother behind. Him being so immature you were the one i went to as we talked about our school drama and you helped me on my homework being the genius you were. I was always in your shadow not quite as smart as you but that i didn't mind I was proud of you and all you had achieved. You are my bother and i love you and our crazy talks that made no sense at all and arguments that we didn't even know what were about. Our home will not be the same without you so much will change. I'd get agitated with you coming in my room but when your gone I will miss you being here just cause you were lonely. I will miss your scientific talks with daddy, that i rarely understood, your joking personlity and all the times we've laughed together, even your moodiness because the house just wont be the same without it. Without you. My friend, my mentor and my bother. So as you go off to collage to be an astrophysis or whatever don't forget i love you and I always will. And don't forget to visit.

Love your annoying, bossy, bratty little sis

Kinda just a note to my brother that i won't give him needs some work just got to thinking how this is his senior year and after this he won't be around kinda sad maybe i'll come back and edit it idk.

Today

Today i realized how easy it would be
To take this blade and slit my wrists
To simply watch myself bleed
To fade and then to fall
Today I realized how easy it would be
To make these tears my last
To make time stop for me
To show no fear at all
Today i realized how easy it would be
To just sneak away and end it all
To jump off a building and let myself fall
To dive into the water and just let my last breath slip away
Today I realized how easy it would be
To tear out the hearts of those I love
To see there tears when they find my body
To show the world what death is like
Today I realized how easy it would be
To commit a sin that would leave me unforgiven
To make this breath my last
To take this very life I live
Today I realized how easy it would be

Summer Fun

By far the funnest day all summer! I Love my Friends so very much. So today i hear a knock at my door and whose there Steven(my amazing boyfriend) and JT( my friend who just got out of jail) show up at my house with a Surf board, an umbrella, a shovel, and a plastic tub thing.It had been raining the past few days and they wanted to go surf and boat in the creek. So i just looked at them and thought what the heck, grabbed some shoes and was on my way. So we walk down to the bridge near my house and climb down to the creek nearly slipping several times and getting many strange looks as we walked through town. We get down there and i watch several failed attempts at boating before finally we give up and try a different spot.
We head over to Steven's house for more supplies but get distacted by more water. And JT floats on the surfboard through the water drain that leads under the road then steven tries and right as he pops out who drives by? his grandmother. She scolds us and yells at steven to clean the house(He lives with her) And being the rebellious teens we are we ignore her and head across town for a bigger spot. We hitch a ride and add two people to our group, Josh and his little sister miranda. So we climb down to another creek and begin to boat, surf and wade in the water trying not to sink into the mud. After many epic tricks and failures its time to head home. To end this amazing night me and steven go out for burgers. Sadly he went to josh's after that and now i'm kinda depressed, but had an amazing day today.
Plans for tomorrow: Still pending. I have parade practice for band but i may skip. hmmm what to do what to do.

Heartless

So yeah I tell myself no one else matters fuck the world I live for only me. That i'll avoid all the assholes and freaks in this world. That i dont care what anyone thinks that i'll stick to myself. And its true say whatever the fuck you want about me i don't give a damn, Now don't get me wrong there are people in my life i love and would give anything to help. But only one person in my life who can rip my hurt in two just by shedding a single tear one person who i can't help but feel the need to protect. No matter how many times she pushes me away i'm always there to help her. I alway try to catch her. But theres only so much i child can do. Believe me if i could i'd buy her everything she'd ever need as long as she was happy. I'd give my last breath if it meant she
d never cry again. So mother, as you cry out your eyes cause you think everythings falling apart you should see my heart shatter when you begin to cry. Ha this makeshift heart of mine. That cares a little to much about others. That always tries to stop them tears. That wishes you could see the beautiful woman i see. That wishes you could see how amazing you are. All these things i could never say accept to strangers and to the reflection of my broke heart in the mirror.

Normal?

Ok so i'll admit it i'm not normal. Well if normal is getting drunk and not remembering what the hell happened or where you are I'll take strange or abnormal any day. So call me wierd or call me a freak but while you get high with all your dumbass friends I'll get somewhere in life. So your all gonna get smashed tonight thats great i'll sit at home with a good book. You drain away the world in booze i'll drain mine away with a book. So sure i'm abnormal, wierd, strange, out there whatever. I'm sixteen and i live in a hick town and i don't drink, smoke, do drugs, hunt, sleep with every guy i know. yeah a total freak. Well go ahead and fuck up year life doing the norm and hate me if you will for not following along. But baby i got something to tell you, you couldn't handle a girl like me b/c unlike those bitches you know i'm real. And i'd break you in two. Haha outcast you say good i like to be left alone. So throw all your labels and bullshit at me cause guess what you can't hurt someone who dosen't care what you think. So you waste you time trying to tear me down and i don't even know your name. Well I laugh at you futile attempts and smile everyday. heres a secret if you take your head out of your ass and quit wasting so much time worrying about people who don't care that you exist maybe you'd make it somewhere. Just live life for yourself ignore all the assholes, bitches, and dicks. Be wierd, be unique, be yourself and be Free. Tell you what baby thats what we were meant to be.

Summer Storms

I asoulutley love thunder storms, the rain pounding on the ceiling, the thunder roaring breaking the silence and the way lightning make the night sky bright as day. i love to stare out my window and watch the rain fall washing all the sadness away. and finally when its over the world is silent. A beautiful silence like, if only for a moment, the world is a peace. Ahh rain yes and thanks to our storm last night the weather today was lovely cool instead of the scorching weather we normally have at this time of year. I hate hate hot weather so todays brezzy cool weather was a releif.
At last Summer is here and i am free for 3 months. yes 3 months of not getting up at 6 30. Yay! actually got out last Thursday but I've been busy this week everybody wants to hang out and we had our state ensamble contest but we didn't do to well. Oh well its done with. Got a doctor appointment tomorrow ugh i hate hospitals oh well. Hope everybody has a great summer i plan to and its off to a good start here.

hmmmmmm.......

After many posts full of complaints and such i have nothing to complain about besides being stuck at home on a saturday. But i guess i should be overjoyed that so far thats the worst part of my day. I am So BORED though i absoulutly hate being stuck at home but thats where i spend most of my time. *sigh* Hopefully this Summer will be fun and eventful. Only one more week of school but thats a week full of finals *sigh again* oh well schools easy anyway. But to think only 4 more days of getting up at 6:20 in the morning and then i get 3 months of sleeping in. Not that i sleep that late anyway i noramlly wake up about 8 or9ish. 2 bad thing about this school year ending. 1 i have to get a summer job. yeah its terrible. Not that i really mind working that much but the only job really available here for someone my age is a waitress and i'm not a people person. I know from my previous job that i am a bad waitress. And its terrible not being able to yell at the customers and say "You Stupid idiot do look like the fucking cook! No so don't fucking yell at me cause its taking forever to make your steak! If your in a hurry don't order a steak you dumbass!" and you can't yell at your coworkers for being lazy bitches cause there related to the boss. Oh well good for you now get your ass off the phone and do your job. T_T yeah needless to say i hated my job and do not want to be a waitress again but probably will be. Reason 2 my boyfriend,steven and my band buddy, Scott are graduating. I don't have any classes with Steven anyway but i'm gonna be so lonely not getting to see him every morning and have him walk me to class. And i fear for our relationship. I love him and i want to believe we will stay together but the reality distance isn't good on a relationship. I'm going to try my hardest to make it work though and i'm sure he will to since he misses me when he goes a day without seeing me. And Scott by far one of the strangest people i know is also leaving. his crazy talk and the way he acts out games and anime always brightens my day. Plus he's the only one i have to talk to in band Which means next year my lonerness will show even more as i sit alone during lunch no longer laughing with scott. To make clear me and Scott are just friends despite Steven's worrying about Scott and my brother girlfriend believing i'm going to marry scott. Now here is the weird part in all this. Me and steven are together but steven is jealous of Scott(who is his friend), Scott is in love with Karrie who believes Scott is going to marry me, and karrie is dating my brother who is friends with both Scott and Steven. Poor scott is the only one who is not in a relationship though. I have been desperately trying to get Scott to go out with cassie(just another friend) but so far no luck. Wow i seemed to have strayed from the original subject and ended up complaining about something unintentionally *sigh* oh well its lunch time so i'm going to go bother my dad.

Friends and love

Friends. yeah right now i feel like i'm using that term lightly today my best friends Kayla totally pissed me off. I may be overreacting but still i'm mad. In English we had to split into groups and make up an advertisement. Well everybody had grouped up except me and kayla. But kayla decides instead of us working together we should join another group. OK i'm an anti-social loner with like 5 friends. Kayla is a people person who wants to be part of the in crowd. And what does kayla do she joins the group with the only person i dont hate in my class. And as if thats not bad enough then she announces i don't have a group and Stacey invites me to join her group. Kayla being my BEST friend knows i'm not fond of the people in this group and she just lets it happen. So now i'm stuck working with Stacey, Jordan, and Ryah. Oh well guess i'll make it through if they ever quit gossiping. And well it doesn't end there next period we were doing our math work and kayla turns around and points out that EVERYONE else is going to skip the problems b/c its to much work. She says this in that stuck up follow the crowd type of voice. Already annoyed i snarled back"Why should i care what EVERYBODY else is doing" it came out meaner than i intended but it was true i dont care if everybody else wants to fail(and they wonder why i'm top of our class) the rest of Algebra kayla completely ignored me like she couldnt be seen with someone who would go against the crowd. Were always the last ones out so on our way out she tried to talk to me but i just ignored her. I feel bad for ignoring her but she pissed me off. She always wants to tell me what everybody else is doing. And i'm just like "do i look like the type of person who gives a damn about what everybody else is doing." I'm not everybody else so please be conformist elsewhere. Ugh i still love her she my best friend but sometimes she just pisses me off.

Love. Oh how happy he makes me. When he's here my whole day is brighter my normal depressing aura fades and i can't help but smile the whole day. It doesn't matter what were doing i'm just happier when he's there. Today we did homework but i was so happy just to be next to him. When he's gone i slip back into my normal depressing self until i find myself thinking of him and i smile hoping that i'll getting to see him again. Hating the days he works. When around him i don't have to worry about faking a smile. And when he kisses me the whole world fades away and the way he looks at me could make any girl melt. He makes me laugh so much its like none of that sadness even exists. Even if only for a moment. Yes i think it true. I believe i've fallen for him. How he takes forever to say goodbye and tells me he loves me a thousand times a day. And how i want to do the same. How i look forward to that moment i'll catch a glimpse of him in the hall. I love the way he runs up greet me and then picks me up and spins me. So yes i think its true no matter how long i try to deny for the pain that may come from this. So i admit it I love him. I Love Him forever and always(I hope)

Mother's Love?

Its funny how someone you love can just push you away. You try your hardest everyday just for them. And what do they do, silently push you away. She comes crying to me b/c one of her druggy friends betrayed her and is a bitch. I feel my heart breaking as i try to tell her its ok, your a good person you can find better friends. Inside my head i scream look in front of you who has been here all along who have you been pushing away. While you go off with these so called friends have you ever thought of who your leaving behind. Of course i'd never tell her this she'd cry and apologize and the next day she'd leave again. So I'm breaking inside watching those tears fall from her eyes wanting to kill the bitch who made her cry and then she says she has to leave. I offer to go with her. No. I'll walk home you dont have to worry about me. No. No. No. then she's gone. And that place in my heart is empty as she walks away. leaving me behind. But i'll hold my smile and pretend nothing can hurt me. No tears. And when she comes again i'll smile and welcome her even though i know she wont stay. I'll be the perfect daughter. Quite, smart, well behaved, and smiling. She'll never know how bad she hurts everyday as she pushes me further away.

I thought to myself the other day why do i try so hard for my mom and not my dad? My dad is always there for me he comes to all my contest and school stuff. He takes care of me and is there when she's not. So why do i try so hard for her? Because i'm trying to win her love. Telling myself if my grades are good enough she'll love me. If i play well enough. If i'm pretty enough, if i'm kind enough, maybe if i were perfect. But sadly i'm not, top of my class not good enough, in stuco and uil and band not enough, and beauty is something i could only dream of having. But i realize that no matter how hard i try i can't win her love but if it gets her attention for even a moment then i'll try harder everyday. And maybe someday she'll see me maybe someday she'll love me.

Ok to anybody who actually read this Sorry i know its depressing as was my previous post. I'll try to have something happy to say soon. I type these depressing posts to release the pain bottle up inside to complete strangers cause i don't wish to worry those around me. So yes i'm a depressed teenager and i hide it. I smile like i don't hate the world around me but i do.......Please don't hate me for the depressing posts ( not that anyone reads these) *sigh* sorry its been a long day. Heres to hoping for a better tomorrow.

Mother's day

Yeah so its mother's day a day to spend with your mother to thank her for putting up with your bratty ass all these years right. Well not here No. I just stayed up till fucking midnight making my mother a card(like i'm 5 or something)cause moms like that stuff. Right? And it was cute and really took alot of effort and time. So my mom tells me she's gonna come by when she gets off work so she can spend the day with and my brothers. She gets off at three. Calls says she'll be here at six shes got to take a friend somewhere. Being the wonder full daughter i am i say ok i'll see you when you get here drive carefully and all that lovely stuff. Well here it is 9 o'clock and i'm still waiting and she's not here but of course when i see her again in about a week i'll smile and pretend its all ok no the cards no big deal its not like i stayed up all Saturday night making it just for you. So here i am on mothers day with a crappy homemade card and no mom to give it to. but why does it surprise shes never here. She always has somewhere else to be something else to do someone who comes before her kids. I hate how no matter how many times this happens i never get use to the pain. The pain of knowing your own fucking mother doesn't want to see you that does wonders for the self esteem. Oh well while i cry another night bc i'm teenage girl with no mother to go to. I hope she has fun getting drunk with all her friends. Happy Mothers Day mom i guess i'd rather her be happy than be with me anyway.

Loneliness Silence and Attraction

Ugh school yesterday seemed to last for years. I thought school was a living hell well its even worse when all your friends are absent on the same day. I only have like 3 friends and all of them missed school for a different reason.(Kayla was on a StuCo trip, Michelle was sick, and Micheal skipped) I felt like even more of an outcast than normal. Sitting in the back of the class room all alone no one to talk to. I seem to blend into the background and stick out at the same time. I'm a happy fun person when i'm with friends but when I'm surrounded by people i hate i'm silent as the night. Only my wardrobe sticks out among all the aeropostale and American Eagle. My hot topic arm warmers and skull covered T-shirt. Accessorized with spikes more skulls and my jack skelington purse. All this mixed with my bored expression made me stick out in this conformist school like a sore thumb. And my lack of caring made me all the stranger. And with my few friends gone i was alone surrounded by them. the populars. Feeling lost I simply read my book ignoring the gossip and sports talk all around me. Nobody is mean to me but its obvious i don't fit in and don't try. Occasionally someone talks to me just small talk, jokes, or asking for help on homework. One girl in my class i'm slowly becoming friends with she's not a fake like the rest she's just the type of person people want to be around. She is sweet and funny and seemed to get along with everyone. She made my english class more fun but the rest of the day i was completely alone(she only sits by me in one class) I suppose my loner Hate aura wards people off oh well i like my quiet time.

Silence. Ah how i love the sound. I never thought the school could be so quiet. The blaring cafeteria to the whispers in the library but completely silent unheard of. But yesterday i found out it can happen. There i was quietly reading my book as voices of every octave talk about all there drunken parties and intense game moments and what he/she did. I try to tune them out and get lost in my book. My wonderful book. Oh how you steal me from reality. The one voice speaks and the room quiets down to mermmers and whispers. Mrs. Welch(my Chemistry teacher) Says were going to the field b/c her little girl is running. Aww cute right but it wasnt my kid i just want to get lost in my book. I sigh and begin to gather my things. "you can stay if you want. Just close the door behind you when you leave." Finally being smart and quiet paid off. My teacher trusted me enough to leave me alone. So my class left and here i am all alone in the science lab. And its completely silent. Dead silent. Not a sound. I couldn't believe i thought maybe i went deaf but no. I was all alone in the science lab just me and my book but soon i wouldn't be in the lab. I would be immersed into the world of my book. Where nothing was real nothing but this story and the silence of the room. RRRing *sigh* nothing good lasts forever.

Now I like to think of myself as a controlled strong hearted person, but everytime i see Zach I just stare(yeah its bad) I find myself watching his back in class not listening to the teacher. Loving the way his muscles show perfeclty through his shirt, just wanting to hug him and see what its like. I love the way his hair falls perfectly in front of his eyes as he moves it away. The way his arms look under his sleaves and his gorgeous deep blue eyes. I try to hide my obvious attraction and look away when he glances in my direction. When he happens to notice me he smiles and i swear i melt. I try to bring my self back to realtiy but i just get lost in him in this forbidden longing. Ugh i think to myself what is wrong with me look at that stupid name brand boy. With his stupid gentlemanly personality holding doors and such. Yeah and here you'd think his personality sucks no its also perfect. He's smart but not a nerd and kindly makes conversation with me. usually its just talk about books or school and like everybody else he praises my grades with a jealous tone in his voice (Yes bc i'm top of my class the guys see me as a rival) As we dicuss collages he praises ATM i smile and agree desperately trying not to lose my cool(ha as if i had any to begin with) I ask myself why is he so different i normally don't freak out around guys i have lots of guy friends so i'm good at talking to them and joking with them. Maybe its bc he's not like the guys i hang out with maybe its bc he is so seemingly perfect. Oh well for now i guess i'll just continue trying not to freak him out anymore than i probably do.
All the days on this are off bc i typed this Friday but didn't get a chance to post it until now. :P

Emotions?

My emotions seem to be going crazy I'm feeling so much at once i don't even know what to think.
Hate:
I hate school and hate stupid people. I hate all the problems with this world from pollution to murder to abuse. I hate my broken keyboard. I hate not knowing what to do and not being able to fix my mistakes. I hate arguing and fighting. I hate the fact that i hate everything around me but most of all i hate myself. I refuse to change b/c i am me and that is all.

Sadness:
I'm to old to cry but it doesn't mean i don't hurt. I lie awake hoping wondering when she will return. Sad b/c i fear she won't. I find my self in bouts of depression wanting to cry for all the pain in my life and then wanting to cry more b/c i realize others have it worse than me. I find tears welling up in my eyes when i think of his past knowing he'd be mad if he knew the pity i felt for him.

Hope:
I hope I can be happy and those around me will be to. I hope for a bright future not only for me but for all others. I hope i can make up for the pain in his heart and i hope one day she will return and not leave.

Happiness:
What i feel when we are together and safe just hanging out and having fun. Being able to laugh like nothing could ever go wrong. The way i feel when he wraps his arms around me and kisses me gently. The way the whole world seems to disappear and none of the problem are real.

Regret:
Regretting all my mistakes and not being able to fix the things that go wrong even if they are not my fault

Surprise:
ugh i hate surprises but he loves they way i look when i'm surprised so i think deep down inside me i like when he surprises me. And knowing this i can't completely hate it.

Love:
I love my family and how they are always there for me and love and protect me. My friends who i could not live with out and would not want to. Love for him and the way he looks at me not the me i see when i look in a mirror but a me when i look at him when i am with him. The me that is real and happy.

Uncertain:
Sometimes I'm not even sure I'm so used to hiding my pain I've started to believe myself. That I'm happy as can be that i don't care at all that words can't hurt me. I know these are lies but i tell myself them anyway making me uncertain of what i feel.

Boredom:
Haha yeah times like now with nothing to do but watch re runs on the TV or read but i guess i should be greatfull for times where everything is ok and peaceful.

Band Banquet

Finally TAKS week ends. All the test were easy but this week seemed to drag on for an eternity and I fear my lack of sleep is making me wierder than normal. This week has been pretty strange especially last night.
Last night was band banquet. It was pretty fun but getting ready was hard. My mom said she was gonna be here early to help me get ready b/c i can't fix my own hair(and dont have the money to get it done) and pick out my outfit. But last minute she says she can't make it. I have a little under an hour to figure out (all by myself) what to do. Oh No!! And to make matters worse the only one i could ask how i look was my dad and he's not all that helpful.Then i rush to the banquet to see all my friends looking gorgeous.(me in the black Kayla in the Blue) I felt like a total freak. But i had fun being weird with all my friends. Like skanking(random dancing) to a rap song and then watching James break dance and later watching him robot to Mr.Roboto. Total hilarious. Wasn't as great as my rookie year but better than last year So i guess it ranks in the middle. I danced with Steven and Scott but i didn't dance alot b/c i hate wearing dresses and i felt so out of my element. And once again i didn't have the courage to ask the gorgeous Zach Lawrence to dance despite my craziness and out there personality i'm so afraid he'd turn me down if i asked. I had the same problem at prom(ugh how i detest myself *sigh* oh well next year) .Our theme was the Grammys and i spent all of Friday afternoon decorating for the banquet which turned out really pretty. And for staying the whole time we got free food and then had a floor party so the tables wouldn't get dirty yet. It was so much fun despite the fact that none of my friends were there. We listened to old music and Hilary danced and pretended to sing. (sorry its funnier if you know Hilary.) Gotta love work that turns out to be fun and i realized the strictest teacher at our school is actually weird in a good way when shes not at school. After Banquet I tried to have a little slumber party but none of my friends parents like me T_T so i went to Kayla's house instead. Still had fun though.
Still reading Shiver gotta love werewolves. Though i highly doubt guys really think like this all lovey dovey and such but i feel my self getting sucked into Sam(the main character) Still not very far and i can't help but wonder what will happen and wanting to read Sam's point of view cause i direly want to know what he's thinking. Part of me hates my self a lovey dovey werewolf makes me think of a certain vampire( i hate twilight) Ugh what is wrong with me. But as Sam discribes her smell and how he wants to be with her but can't be with her i fall for him more and more. hmmm oh how i contradict myself sigh oh well.
Plans for today none yay for boredom. So don't want to go to school tomorrow.

Making a difference

I spent the weekend at my mom's which is always an interesting time. We stayed up all night playing cards. At school games don't interest me but when its against my family i get extremely competitive. The card game was called golf and it was really fun but i kept losing. but before that my mom had some things to do we went to see one of my moms friends for his birthday. Surprisingly he was a funny guy my moms friends tend to be just annoying drunks. I couldn't help but laugh at everything he said. like were talking about a car crash and he says "well i never crash into anything. The other day i crashed into a tree though. But its my tree i can run it over if i want to." After that we stopped by the bar where his party was going to be. And guess what they were serving mountain oysters (for those of you who don't know thats bull balls) I didn't eat any though. We only stayed for a few minutes but that was all it took to make my stomach sick. I can't stand cigarettes or alcohol. And this guy came up and tried to flirt with me and did the worst thing he possibly could have(automatic bad first impression) He lit up a cigarette. Not to say i hate people who smoke (my dad smokes) i just don't like to be around people when they smoke(or drink) After all this we went home and ate spaghetti.
Then i saw this cute little brown puppy. she's a mix between a chihuahua and a wiener dog. And found out the boy there beats it(my mom lives on the land of some of her friends and we were in there house) and they were going to kill it. I decided i couldn't let that happen and that i would take it home only 1 problem, No pets allowed in my house(its rented) But how could i let that little baby girl die. Well i couldn't so i was gonna find her a home. So when i got home i asked my dad if she could stay with us until i could find her a home, he said i had one week or it was off to the pound with her. And that she had to stay in my room. Last night she slept in my bed i tried to tell myself i couldn't get attached to her(thats why i didn't name her) but she was so cute. Today i found her a home my friend tyler is taking her and he named her Sandy. I'm happy she has a home now but i'm really gonna miss her
This week is TAKS(Texas Accessment of Knowledge and Skill) week today was math and then Thursday i have science Friday Social Studies. The tests are really easy but there so long and boring Its gonna be a long week T-T but on the bright side we won't be doing much in class this week. After the test you read until everybodies done and i started Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater
good so far but just started. Oh well thats it for now Stevens coming over in a bit so gotta clean up my room.

U.I.L. and the Cancer walk

4:30 in the fucking morning really? it should be illegal to make kids get up so early. Yesterday we had the regional U.I.L contest and i had to get up at 4:30am. yes that right 4:30 Ugh i was so tired. Now being a sophomore of course i had to sit with somebody so i didn't sleep on the way up there. I sat with Jake though and he was really nice. We science teamers have to stick together. He offered to let me sit by the window and use his pillow so i could get some sleep on the way up there. Then he offered to put my purse on his stuff so it wouldn't be on the nasty floor. and talked and joked with me on the way up there noticing my obvious boredom. He was really sweet despite his inner hate for me since I'm top of the class and he is second. and the boys in my grade are very competitive and annoyed by my lack of interest in their trivial competitions.
The ironic thing about my being on the science team is i hate science. I hate all the boring rules and process and all the bizarre theories. I hate hearing this and this is true b/c this whack job scientist says so but has no proof. Yet I'm intrigued by the stars and the way two things can mix and be something completely different. I hated biology with all its crazy details that never seem to stick but find myself wondering how it all works. Chemistry bores me out of my mind and surprises me with its little fact and experiments. This crazy mix of feeling toward science and my teachers request led to my joining the science team. Ah well.
As for the competition it was a total fail for me *sigh* There were so many question about plants and i know nothing about plants. and out of the 20 physics questions i answered 1. It was a really hard test. My genius bother bobby made 2nd in physics with a 34 while the 1st place physics had a 66 that's like unheard of this kid must of been some kinda genius. *sigh again*
I was there from 7am until4 pm and i had one event that lasted about an hour and a half the rest of the time was spent reading manga. I read two skip beats and one Ruroni Kenshin. I'm almost done with Ruroni Kenshin and i must say its amazing i absolutely love the series and would definitely suggest this one as well.
Once we got home at like 6:30pm i went home long enough to grab some tennis shoes and water and went straight to the cancer walk which goes from 6pm to 6am and planned to stay the whole night. Me, Kayla and Steven walked until 8 at which point we worked the concession stand for stuCo for 3 hours talk about boring. but i got free food. Steven had done wondered off my then (he's not really in StuCo) They had Randi speak and the ceremony was really beautiful.then more walking. And then the beauty pageant in which the guys dressed like girls. One of these guys was my older brother whose girlfriend had to help arrange his temporary boobs(made out of balloons) The guys had to walk around in their dresses and raised money for the cancer society. Another one of the guys who dressed up was Jake same guy as earlier. Some of these guys got a little to into. And Bobby's girlfriend got mad b/c Curtis grabbed his boobs. It was really funny I'll post pics as soon as i get copies(my camera was dead) Bobby just carried a bucket for the money but Jake had people putting money in his bra and one guy had some in his thigh high stocks. It was a rather disturbing sight the winner raised $957 and got a pink tiara. About midnight we got bad weather warnings so we packed up tents and tables and began some cleanup(also working for NHS) at about 1:30 hardly anybody remained and our NHS sponsor told us to go home so we left i crashed at about 2 am.I watched the sun rise set and almost rise again. And after such a long day my mom calls and wakes me up at 7am so today will be another long day.
Plan for the day: Going out to my mom's place. Gonna play games and hang out and have family time. Then spending the night there and returning some time tomorrow. Fun.Fun.

Just another day

Band contest yesterday went ok. we didn't make sweepstakes. T-T We got straight 1s on our music but a 2 on sight-reading. Really sight-reading. Because we didn't slow down and a stupid trumpet kept messing up. well kinda upset about that but the trip was fun and i got out of school for it. The whole way up there Scott told me about all these animes i need to watch and then we aggravated Kayla while she was trying to read. Fun Fun.
Today i had to go back to school and make up all my work. I had two tests to make up Chemistry and Algebra 2. School was boring today nothing happened. Well Jake(just some guy in my class) got glasses and he's totally bummed but they really don't look that bad on him. other wise nothing new today. Last night i had to write two poems for English. One from the point of view of someone on the Titanic and one a metaphor about some one i know. Well here they are. Tell me what you think.

Today we board the Titanic
I’ve never seen a ship before
It looked so very big
And the passengers like tiny ants
I can’t help but feel uneasy
And my mother’s words do not help
She thinks saying the Titanic is unsinkable
Is like flying in the face of God
She has decided not to sleep at night
Neither will I
I wake as my father enters
He’s in a hurry
He picks me up
It is happening
The Titanic is sinking
My mother and I are placed on a life boat
But Daddy stays behind
Daddy stays on the Titanic
All around me I hear screaming
People are drowning
People are dying
The Titanic is sinking
Then it is silent
A terrible, deathly silence

This one is written from the point of view of a girl named Eva Hart who was 7 then. Her and her mother survived but her father died. The next one is about my mother.

My mom is a bird
She flies away
Unable to stay in one place
Soaring high in the sky
In a world so unlike mine
So close yet so far
Something you see but can not touch
For as soon as you are near
She flies away
Her love for adoration
Her need for love
So fragile, so easy to break
But even with broken wings
She still seems to fly away
Leaving behind this world
Leaving behind me
But here I shall wait
For my bird to return

I guess its pretty self explanatory, but its all about my mom and how she hasn't really been around for me.
Aside from school my day has been boring. I just finished all my homework and my brother stole my PS2 so i can't play my game. And all my friends live to far away to hang out. *sigh*oh the boredom. Ah well tata for now hopeful i'll have something more interesting to say next time.

Monday T-T

Yes monday by far the worst day of the week. It really should be illegal to force children to wake up so early. I get up at 6:30 to spend 40 minutes getting dress and still look like crap. The i spend 8 hours at that hell hole called school to learn what i could learn in maybe an hour at most. My history teach is a coach and teaches us nothing he doesn't even grade our papers. there 45 minutes wasted. Geometry is so annoying and now were going over TAKS which is so easy. another 45 minutes. Activity period is a chance for me to read my book so those 30 min aren't completely wasted. Spanish is well Spanish. The class is easy and i have it with my friends but its just well annoying. Chemistry isn't so bad but its also really easy. And then BCIS 2(I forget what it stands for but its a computer class) I learn about as much in that class as i would if i banged my head against the wall for 45 minutes. I spend about 10 minutes doing the assigned work then i play Free-cell(i like this came cause it makes me think) i've been playing them in order and i'm on game 90. I don't eat lunch so i spend that time talking to my friend Scott. He is such a fun guy but most people see him as creepy cause he's really well unique. We usually talk about manga, anime, video games, or family. Then band the only class i like. I love band because i love music. being able to make music is something i've always wanted to do and now i play the saxophone(3 years of saxophone 2 of flute) It is an amazing instrument(mines name is Khufu after an Egyptian Pharaoh) But there is one thing i hate about band and its name is Destiny(yes a person) she this dumb ass little whore that sits next to me. She is by far the worst saxophone player and the loudest and to make matters worse she does it on purpose. The only reason i haven't punched her in the face is b/c if i do i can't go to our contest tomorrow. We didn't make to state in marching so now we have to redeem ourselves with concert band. After band its english which was interesting today. Were learning about rhythm in poetry(Iambi,anapestic, and so on) So today we went outside and slapped and stopped and read the poetry which was kinda fun. And lastly Algebra 2 by far my hardest class but i actually like my teacher. She's an old lady who comes off as really sweet but she tells you straight what she thinks. Then i get to come home and be bored (all my friends live in the country T-T)

Back to band tomorrow is our contest and sightreading. The three songs we are playing are called:Kenya Contrast, Kinder Legend, and Mister Joe. And well to be completely honest they need alot of work and the contest is tomorrow -_- Sight reading is always easy so i'm not worried about that. *sigh* heres to hoping.

One last thing to type about today the manga i'm currently reading is called Skip Beat. It is excellent manga that i would definitely suggest. It's about a girl who joins show biz to get revenge. I am currently on book 12 and the story is so good. I'm borrowing them from a friend so i always have to wait to read the next one. They have it worst borrowing manga from me due to lack of money it takes me forever to buy the next book to the series i read. The three major ones i own are:Hellsing, Hell girl, and Fullmetal Alchemist. Hell girl is still coming out and i can never find the book i'm on in Hellsing its always the one i have *skip* then the one after that never the one i need. Fullmetal Alchemist i blame on my not having a job. See i have excuses. Oh well i'll get them eventually.
Well that's it for now wish me luck with band tomorrow ^.^

Michael's Gig

Michael's gig last night was tons of fun. He played 8 song, 4 his own and 4 Frank Turner songs. He was opening for a band called Cornerstone. I had never heard of them but they were really good. I had tons of fun hanging out but didn't get back until midnight then straight to bed for me. Then this morning i had County Road Cleanup for StuCo. And there was some big party last night cause so the teachers daughter was hung over and about to throw up(so gross)
After an hour of picking up trash, I came home and played Persona 3 Fes. Its such a fun game but i keep dying T-T I'm on floor 100 out of idk how many and i've put about 64 hours into this game. Out of my three skills i finally got one maxed out. On the topic of games i finally beat FFX. I got everybodys ultimate weapon except Tidus and Wakka. I can't do the stupid Chocobo race and blitz ball is so annoying. So i finally gave up and ended the game now i have to beat FFX-2. Sadly i can't play FF13 because i don't have a PS3 T-T.
School tomorrow Ugh......that means i have to get up early and then go deal with everybody. Oh well we'll see how tomorrow goes once it gets here.

Boredom

I got my first comment ^.^ thank you anonymous. And if you ever read this again( though i doubt you will) i'd like you to know were not fighting anymore and he gave me flowers yesterday.(sorry i'm bad at taking pics) I have been trying to personalize my blog this morning(with music, sideshows, etc.) but have had no luck. *sigh* Oh well i guess it will stay plain. In the process of all this though I have discovered many pictures i haven't seen in awhile. Many of which are anime pictures due to my obsession (video games being my other) I can be such a fan girl (yeah i'm terrible) but i can't help it I have a love from almost every anime i watch. Edward Elric, Gaara, Shessomaru (whose name i can never spell) L(death not) ,........The list is really to long but if my stupid slide show would have worked there would be plenty of pictures of them*sigh again* OK back to reality even though lala world is so much nicer. My day is going to be so boring until about 8 when I'm hoping to go watch my friend Micheal's gig. Fun Fun trying to get all my friends to go.

I relized the other the other day that despite the fact that no one will probably ever read this i never introduce my self. My screen name is mikaru and for now my real name can remain unknown. And as my about me thing says i'm 16 i'm not really good at describing myself sorry but i'm hoping over time my personality will reveal its self through my posts. I'm a sophomore in high school, i'm top of my class so the works all really easy but the people are hell to deal with. I like things that are different than the norm(like all my friends) I love music, anime, videogames, and just hanging out and otherwise idk really maybe i'll think of something later. Sorry about bad grammar or spelling in my posts i always type like this. T-T I started this thing just as a way to talk about whatever is going on in my life.

Message to anybody who reads this: if you want to know anything about me feel free to ask me and i will try to answer. Comments are great i'd love to hear from people. If you would like me to read your blog just say so and i will be happy to. ^.^

4/16/10

I meant to start posting on this everyday but my keyboards broken. T-T So its been awhile since i've posted. Well its been a pretty uneventful week. So happy its Friday only one six weeks left and then we're out for summer Yay! So about my week hmmmm. well i got in an argument with my boyfriend over something dumb and then it turned into a argument about problems with our relationship. Well for one he never tells me anything and he lies then i cry. He started to feel bad and said "I'll tell you what if you keep smiling i'll quit lying" and i thought yeah right. Then the next day we were fighting cause of a girl he liked before me and i said that she was prettier and skinnier than me and how does he respond "but i chose you didn't I" what kind of answer is that? now off that topic, Last night we had a school band concert it was cool but we need lots of improvement before our contest on Tuesday. After we played i meet this cool guy from another school don't know if I'll ever see him again and i don't remember his name, but i hope i do. Today was so average that there is nothing to say really. My class played pictionary last period which is always fun to watch cause there so competitive but i seldom participate Plans for tomorrow: Micheal has another gig. Hope i get to go.

Friday April 9

First Post. Today was just another boring day at school. Work, work,work. I had to memorize 23 lines of Julius Caesar but since i didn't have time to recite it today i have to remember it all on weekend. And today Blaine(a guy in my class) made fun of me b/c i can't stay serious, he made me mad but when he kept telling me to smile i just couldn't help it. On the bright side Michael has a gig at Mi Casa( restaurant) and i going so it should be tons of fun. Otherwise no plans for today.