hmmmmmm.......

After many posts full of complaints and such i have nothing to complain about besides being stuck at home on a saturday. But i guess i should be overjoyed that so far thats the worst part of my day. I am So BORED though i absoulutly hate being stuck at home but thats where i spend most of my time. *sigh* Hopefully this Summer will be fun and eventful. Only one more week of school but thats a week full of finals *sigh again* oh well schools easy anyway. But to think only 4 more days of getting up at 6:20 in the morning and then i get 3 months of sleeping in. Not that i sleep that late anyway i noramlly wake up about 8 or9ish. 2 bad thing about this school year ending. 1 i have to get a summer job. yeah its terrible. Not that i really mind working that much but the only job really available here for someone my age is a waitress and i'm not a people person. I know from my previous job that i am a bad waitress. And its terrible not being able to yell at the customers and say "You Stupid idiot do look like the fucking cook! No so don't fucking yell at me cause its taking forever to make your steak! If your in a hurry don't order a steak you dumbass!" and you can't yell at your coworkers for being lazy bitches cause there related to the boss. Oh well good for you now get your ass off the phone and do your job. T_T yeah needless to say i hated my job and do not want to be a waitress again but probably will be. Reason 2 my boyfriend,steven and my band buddy, Scott are graduating. I don't have any classes with Steven anyway but i'm gonna be so lonely not getting to see him every morning and have him walk me to class. And i fear for our relationship. I love him and i want to believe we will stay together but the reality distance isn't good on a relationship. I'm going to try my hardest to make it work though and i'm sure he will to since he misses me when he goes a day without seeing me. And Scott by far one of the strangest people i know is also leaving. his crazy talk and the way he acts out games and anime always brightens my day. Plus he's the only one i have to talk to in band Which means next year my lonerness will show even more as i sit alone during lunch no longer laughing with scott. To make clear me and Scott are just friends despite Steven's worrying about Scott and my brother girlfriend believing i'm going to marry scott. Now here is the weird part in all this. Me and steven are together but steven is jealous of Scott(who is his friend), Scott is in love with Karrie who believes Scott is going to marry me, and karrie is dating my brother who is friends with both Scott and Steven. Poor scott is the only one who is not in a relationship though. I have been desperately trying to get Scott to go out with cassie(just another friend) but so far no luck. Wow i seemed to have strayed from the original subject and ended up complaining about something unintentionally *sigh* oh well its lunch time so i'm going to go bother my dad.

Friends and love

Friends. yeah right now i feel like i'm using that term lightly today my best friends Kayla totally pissed me off. I may be overreacting but still i'm mad. In English we had to split into groups and make up an advertisement. Well everybody had grouped up except me and kayla. But kayla decides instead of us working together we should join another group. OK i'm an anti-social loner with like 5 friends. Kayla is a people person who wants to be part of the in crowd. And what does kayla do she joins the group with the only person i dont hate in my class. And as if thats not bad enough then she announces i don't have a group and Stacey invites me to join her group. Kayla being my BEST friend knows i'm not fond of the people in this group and she just lets it happen. So now i'm stuck working with Stacey, Jordan, and Ryah. Oh well guess i'll make it through if they ever quit gossiping. And well it doesn't end there next period we were doing our math work and kayla turns around and points out that EVERYONE else is going to skip the problems b/c its to much work. She says this in that stuck up follow the crowd type of voice. Already annoyed i snarled back"Why should i care what EVERYBODY else is doing" it came out meaner than i intended but it was true i dont care if everybody else wants to fail(and they wonder why i'm top of our class) the rest of Algebra kayla completely ignored me like she couldnt be seen with someone who would go against the crowd. Were always the last ones out so on our way out she tried to talk to me but i just ignored her. I feel bad for ignoring her but she pissed me off. She always wants to tell me what everybody else is doing. And i'm just like "do i look like the type of person who gives a damn about what everybody else is doing." I'm not everybody else so please be conformist elsewhere. Ugh i still love her she my best friend but sometimes she just pisses me off.

Love. Oh how happy he makes me. When he's here my whole day is brighter my normal depressing aura fades and i can't help but smile the whole day. It doesn't matter what were doing i'm just happier when he's there. Today we did homework but i was so happy just to be next to him. When he's gone i slip back into my normal depressing self until i find myself thinking of him and i smile hoping that i'll getting to see him again. Hating the days he works. When around him i don't have to worry about faking a smile. And when he kisses me the whole world fades away and the way he looks at me could make any girl melt. He makes me laugh so much its like none of that sadness even exists. Even if only for a moment. Yes i think it true. I believe i've fallen for him. How he takes forever to say goodbye and tells me he loves me a thousand times a day. And how i want to do the same. How i look forward to that moment i'll catch a glimpse of him in the hall. I love the way he runs up greet me and then picks me up and spins me. So yes i think its true no matter how long i try to deny for the pain that may come from this. So i admit it I love him. I Love Him forever and always(I hope)

Mother's Love?

Its funny how someone you love can just push you away. You try your hardest everyday just for them. And what do they do, silently push you away. She comes crying to me b/c one of her druggy friends betrayed her and is a bitch. I feel my heart breaking as i try to tell her its ok, your a good person you can find better friends. Inside my head i scream look in front of you who has been here all along who have you been pushing away. While you go off with these so called friends have you ever thought of who your leaving behind. Of course i'd never tell her this she'd cry and apologize and the next day she'd leave again. So I'm breaking inside watching those tears fall from her eyes wanting to kill the bitch who made her cry and then she says she has to leave. I offer to go with her. No. I'll walk home you dont have to worry about me. No. No. No. then she's gone. And that place in my heart is empty as she walks away. leaving me behind. But i'll hold my smile and pretend nothing can hurt me. No tears. And when she comes again i'll smile and welcome her even though i know she wont stay. I'll be the perfect daughter. Quite, smart, well behaved, and smiling. She'll never know how bad she hurts everyday as she pushes me further away.

I thought to myself the other day why do i try so hard for my mom and not my dad? My dad is always there for me he comes to all my contest and school stuff. He takes care of me and is there when she's not. So why do i try so hard for her? Because i'm trying to win her love. Telling myself if my grades are good enough she'll love me. If i play well enough. If i'm pretty enough, if i'm kind enough, maybe if i were perfect. But sadly i'm not, top of my class not good enough, in stuco and uil and band not enough, and beauty is something i could only dream of having. But i realize that no matter how hard i try i can't win her love but if it gets her attention for even a moment then i'll try harder everyday. And maybe someday she'll see me maybe someday she'll love me.

Ok to anybody who actually read this Sorry i know its depressing as was my previous post. I'll try to have something happy to say soon. I type these depressing posts to release the pain bottle up inside to complete strangers cause i don't wish to worry those around me. So yes i'm a depressed teenager and i hide it. I smile like i don't hate the world around me but i do.......Please don't hate me for the depressing posts ( not that anyone reads these) *sigh* sorry its been a long day. Heres to hoping for a better tomorrow.

Mother's day

Yeah so its mother's day a day to spend with your mother to thank her for putting up with your bratty ass all these years right. Well not here No. I just stayed up till fucking midnight making my mother a card(like i'm 5 or something)cause moms like that stuff. Right? And it was cute and really took alot of effort and time. So my mom tells me she's gonna come by when she gets off work so she can spend the day with and my brothers. She gets off at three. Calls says she'll be here at six shes got to take a friend somewhere. Being the wonder full daughter i am i say ok i'll see you when you get here drive carefully and all that lovely stuff. Well here it is 9 o'clock and i'm still waiting and she's not here but of course when i see her again in about a week i'll smile and pretend its all ok no the cards no big deal its not like i stayed up all Saturday night making it just for you. So here i am on mothers day with a crappy homemade card and no mom to give it to. but why does it surprise shes never here. She always has somewhere else to be something else to do someone who comes before her kids. I hate how no matter how many times this happens i never get use to the pain. The pain of knowing your own fucking mother doesn't want to see you that does wonders for the self esteem. Oh well while i cry another night bc i'm teenage girl with no mother to go to. I hope she has fun getting drunk with all her friends. Happy Mothers Day mom i guess i'd rather her be happy than be with me anyway.

Loneliness Silence and Attraction

Ugh school yesterday seemed to last for years. I thought school was a living hell well its even worse when all your friends are absent on the same day. I only have like 3 friends and all of them missed school for a different reason.(Kayla was on a StuCo trip, Michelle was sick, and Micheal skipped) I felt like even more of an outcast than normal. Sitting in the back of the class room all alone no one to talk to. I seem to blend into the background and stick out at the same time. I'm a happy fun person when i'm with friends but when I'm surrounded by people i hate i'm silent as the night. Only my wardrobe sticks out among all the aeropostale and American Eagle. My hot topic arm warmers and skull covered T-shirt. Accessorized with spikes more skulls and my jack skelington purse. All this mixed with my bored expression made me stick out in this conformist school like a sore thumb. And my lack of caring made me all the stranger. And with my few friends gone i was alone surrounded by them. the populars. Feeling lost I simply read my book ignoring the gossip and sports talk all around me. Nobody is mean to me but its obvious i don't fit in and don't try. Occasionally someone talks to me just small talk, jokes, or asking for help on homework. One girl in my class i'm slowly becoming friends with she's not a fake like the rest she's just the type of person people want to be around. She is sweet and funny and seemed to get along with everyone. She made my english class more fun but the rest of the day i was completely alone(she only sits by me in one class) I suppose my loner Hate aura wards people off oh well i like my quiet time.

Silence. Ah how i love the sound. I never thought the school could be so quiet. The blaring cafeteria to the whispers in the library but completely silent unheard of. But yesterday i found out it can happen. There i was quietly reading my book as voices of every octave talk about all there drunken parties and intense game moments and what he/she did. I try to tune them out and get lost in my book. My wonderful book. Oh how you steal me from reality. The one voice speaks and the room quiets down to mermmers and whispers. Mrs. Welch(my Chemistry teacher) Says were going to the field b/c her little girl is running. Aww cute right but it wasnt my kid i just want to get lost in my book. I sigh and begin to gather my things. "you can stay if you want. Just close the door behind you when you leave." Finally being smart and quiet paid off. My teacher trusted me enough to leave me alone. So my class left and here i am all alone in the science lab. And its completely silent. Dead silent. Not a sound. I couldn't believe i thought maybe i went deaf but no. I was all alone in the science lab just me and my book but soon i wouldn't be in the lab. I would be immersed into the world of my book. Where nothing was real nothing but this story and the silence of the room. RRRing *sigh* nothing good lasts forever.

Now I like to think of myself as a controlled strong hearted person, but everytime i see Zach I just stare(yeah its bad) I find myself watching his back in class not listening to the teacher. Loving the way his muscles show perfeclty through his shirt, just wanting to hug him and see what its like. I love the way his hair falls perfectly in front of his eyes as he moves it away. The way his arms look under his sleaves and his gorgeous deep blue eyes. I try to hide my obvious attraction and look away when he glances in my direction. When he happens to notice me he smiles and i swear i melt. I try to bring my self back to realtiy but i just get lost in him in this forbidden longing. Ugh i think to myself what is wrong with me look at that stupid name brand boy. With his stupid gentlemanly personality holding doors and such. Yeah and here you'd think his personality sucks no its also perfect. He's smart but not a nerd and kindly makes conversation with me. usually its just talk about books or school and like everybody else he praises my grades with a jealous tone in his voice (Yes bc i'm top of my class the guys see me as a rival) As we dicuss collages he praises ATM i smile and agree desperately trying not to lose my cool(ha as if i had any to begin with) I ask myself why is he so different i normally don't freak out around guys i have lots of guy friends so i'm good at talking to them and joking with them. Maybe its bc he's not like the guys i hang out with maybe its bc he is so seemingly perfect. Oh well for now i guess i'll just continue trying not to freak him out anymore than i probably do.
All the days on this are off bc i typed this Friday but didn't get a chance to post it until now. :P

Emotions?

My emotions seem to be going crazy I'm feeling so much at once i don't even know what to think.
Hate:
I hate school and hate stupid people. I hate all the problems with this world from pollution to murder to abuse. I hate my broken keyboard. I hate not knowing what to do and not being able to fix my mistakes. I hate arguing and fighting. I hate the fact that i hate everything around me but most of all i hate myself. I refuse to change b/c i am me and that is all.

Sadness:
I'm to old to cry but it doesn't mean i don't hurt. I lie awake hoping wondering when she will return. Sad b/c i fear she won't. I find my self in bouts of depression wanting to cry for all the pain in my life and then wanting to cry more b/c i realize others have it worse than me. I find tears welling up in my eyes when i think of his past knowing he'd be mad if he knew the pity i felt for him.

Hope:
I hope I can be happy and those around me will be to. I hope for a bright future not only for me but for all others. I hope i can make up for the pain in his heart and i hope one day she will return and not leave.

Happiness:
What i feel when we are together and safe just hanging out and having fun. Being able to laugh like nothing could ever go wrong. The way i feel when he wraps his arms around me and kisses me gently. The way the whole world seems to disappear and none of the problem are real.

Regret:
Regretting all my mistakes and not being able to fix the things that go wrong even if they are not my fault

Surprise:
ugh i hate surprises but he loves they way i look when i'm surprised so i think deep down inside me i like when he surprises me. And knowing this i can't completely hate it.

Love:
I love my family and how they are always there for me and love and protect me. My friends who i could not live with out and would not want to. Love for him and the way he looks at me not the me i see when i look in a mirror but a me when i look at him when i am with him. The me that is real and happy.

Uncertain:
Sometimes I'm not even sure I'm so used to hiding my pain I've started to believe myself. That I'm happy as can be that i don't care at all that words can't hurt me. I know these are lies but i tell myself them anyway making me uncertain of what i feel.

Boredom:
Haha yeah times like now with nothing to do but watch re runs on the TV or read but i guess i should be greatfull for times where everything is ok and peaceful.

Band Banquet

Finally TAKS week ends. All the test were easy but this week seemed to drag on for an eternity and I fear my lack of sleep is making me wierder than normal. This week has been pretty strange especially last night.
Last night was band banquet. It was pretty fun but getting ready was hard. My mom said she was gonna be here early to help me get ready b/c i can't fix my own hair(and dont have the money to get it done) and pick out my outfit. But last minute she says she can't make it. I have a little under an hour to figure out (all by myself) what to do. Oh No!! And to make matters worse the only one i could ask how i look was my dad and he's not all that helpful.Then i rush to the banquet to see all my friends looking gorgeous.(me in the black Kayla in the Blue) I felt like a total freak. But i had fun being weird with all my friends. Like skanking(random dancing) to a rap song and then watching James break dance and later watching him robot to Mr.Roboto. Total hilarious. Wasn't as great as my rookie year but better than last year So i guess it ranks in the middle. I danced with Steven and Scott but i didn't dance alot b/c i hate wearing dresses and i felt so out of my element. And once again i didn't have the courage to ask the gorgeous Zach Lawrence to dance despite my craziness and out there personality i'm so afraid he'd turn me down if i asked. I had the same problem at prom(ugh how i detest myself *sigh* oh well next year) .Our theme was the Grammys and i spent all of Friday afternoon decorating for the banquet which turned out really pretty. And for staying the whole time we got free food and then had a floor party so the tables wouldn't get dirty yet. It was so much fun despite the fact that none of my friends were there. We listened to old music and Hilary danced and pretended to sing. (sorry its funnier if you know Hilary.) Gotta love work that turns out to be fun and i realized the strictest teacher at our school is actually weird in a good way when shes not at school. After Banquet I tried to have a little slumber party but none of my friends parents like me T_T so i went to Kayla's house instead. Still had fun though.
Still reading Shiver gotta love werewolves. Though i highly doubt guys really think like this all lovey dovey and such but i feel my self getting sucked into Sam(the main character) Still not very far and i can't help but wonder what will happen and wanting to read Sam's point of view cause i direly want to know what he's thinking. Part of me hates my self a lovey dovey werewolf makes me think of a certain vampire( i hate twilight) Ugh what is wrong with me. But as Sam discribes her smell and how he wants to be with her but can't be with her i fall for him more and more. hmmm oh how i contradict myself sigh oh well.
Plans for today none yay for boredom. So don't want to go to school tomorrow.