Mother's day

Yeah so its mother's day a day to spend with your mother to thank her for putting up with your bratty ass all these years right. Well not here No. I just stayed up till fucking midnight making my mother a card(like i'm 5 or something)cause moms like that stuff. Right? And it was cute and really took alot of effort and time. So my mom tells me she's gonna come by when she gets off work so she can spend the day with and my brothers. She gets off at three. Calls says she'll be here at six shes got to take a friend somewhere. Being the wonder full daughter i am i say ok i'll see you when you get here drive carefully and all that lovely stuff. Well here it is 9 o'clock and i'm still waiting and she's not here but of course when i see her again in about a week i'll smile and pretend its all ok no the cards no big deal its not like i stayed up all Saturday night making it just for you. So here i am on mothers day with a crappy homemade card and no mom to give it to. but why does it surprise shes never here. She always has somewhere else to be something else to do someone who comes before her kids. I hate how no matter how many times this happens i never get use to the pain. The pain of knowing your own fucking mother doesn't want to see you that does wonders for the self esteem. Oh well while i cry another night bc i'm teenage girl with no mother to go to. I hope she has fun getting drunk with all her friends. Happy Mothers Day mom i guess i'd rather her be happy than be with me anyway.

Emotions?

My emotions seem to be going crazy I'm feeling so much at once i don't even know what to think.
Hate:
I hate school and hate stupid people. I hate all the problems with this world from pollution to murder to abuse. I hate my broken keyboard. I hate not knowing what to do and not being able to fix my mistakes. I hate arguing and fighting. I hate the fact that i hate everything around me but most of all i hate myself. I refuse to change b/c i am me and that is all.

Sadness:
I'm to old to cry but it doesn't mean i don't hurt. I lie awake hoping wondering when she will return. Sad b/c i fear she won't. I find my self in bouts of depression wanting to cry for all the pain in my life and then wanting to cry more b/c i realize others have it worse than me. I find tears welling up in my eyes when i think of his past knowing he'd be mad if he knew the pity i felt for him.

Hope:
I hope I can be happy and those around me will be to. I hope for a bright future not only for me but for all others. I hope i can make up for the pain in his heart and i hope one day she will return and not leave.

Happiness:
What i feel when we are together and safe just hanging out and having fun. Being able to laugh like nothing could ever go wrong. The way i feel when he wraps his arms around me and kisses me gently. The way the whole world seems to disappear and none of the problem are real.

Regret:
Regretting all my mistakes and not being able to fix the things that go wrong even if they are not my fault

Surprise:
ugh i hate surprises but he loves they way i look when i'm surprised so i think deep down inside me i like when he surprises me. And knowing this i can't completely hate it.

Love:
I love my family and how they are always there for me and love and protect me. My friends who i could not live with out and would not want to. Love for him and the way he looks at me not the me i see when i look in a mirror but a me when i look at him when i am with him. The me that is real and happy.

Uncertain:
Sometimes I'm not even sure I'm so used to hiding my pain I've started to believe myself. That I'm happy as can be that i don't care at all that words can't hurt me. I know these are lies but i tell myself them anyway making me uncertain of what i feel.

Boredom:
Haha yeah times like now with nothing to do but watch re runs on the TV or read but i guess i should be greatfull for times where everything is ok and peaceful.