Mother's Love?

Its funny how someone you love can just push you away. You try your hardest everyday just for them. And what do they do, silently push you away. She comes crying to me b/c one of her druggy friends betrayed her and is a bitch. I feel my heart breaking as i try to tell her its ok, your a good person you can find better friends. Inside my head i scream look in front of you who has been here all along who have you been pushing away. While you go off with these so called friends have you ever thought of who your leaving behind. Of course i'd never tell her this she'd cry and apologize and the next day she'd leave again. So I'm breaking inside watching those tears fall from her eyes wanting to kill the bitch who made her cry and then she says she has to leave. I offer to go with her. No. I'll walk home you dont have to worry about me. No. No. No. then she's gone. And that place in my heart is empty as she walks away. leaving me behind. But i'll hold my smile and pretend nothing can hurt me. No tears. And when she comes again i'll smile and welcome her even though i know she wont stay. I'll be the perfect daughter. Quite, smart, well behaved, and smiling. She'll never know how bad she hurts everyday as she pushes me further away.

I thought to myself the other day why do i try so hard for my mom and not my dad? My dad is always there for me he comes to all my contest and school stuff. He takes care of me and is there when she's not. So why do i try so hard for her? Because i'm trying to win her love. Telling myself if my grades are good enough she'll love me. If i play well enough. If i'm pretty enough, if i'm kind enough, maybe if i were perfect. But sadly i'm not, top of my class not good enough, in stuco and uil and band not enough, and beauty is something i could only dream of having. But i realize that no matter how hard i try i can't win her love but if it gets her attention for even a moment then i'll try harder everyday. And maybe someday she'll see me maybe someday she'll love me.

Ok to anybody who actually read this Sorry i know its depressing as was my previous post. I'll try to have something happy to say soon. I type these depressing posts to release the pain bottle up inside to complete strangers cause i don't wish to worry those around me. So yes i'm a depressed teenager and i hide it. I smile like i don't hate the world around me but i do.......Please don't hate me for the depressing posts ( not that anyone reads these) *sigh* sorry its been a long day. Heres to hoping for a better tomorrow.

Emotions?

My emotions seem to be going crazy I'm feeling so much at once i don't even know what to think.
Hate:
I hate school and hate stupid people. I hate all the problems with this world from pollution to murder to abuse. I hate my broken keyboard. I hate not knowing what to do and not being able to fix my mistakes. I hate arguing and fighting. I hate the fact that i hate everything around me but most of all i hate myself. I refuse to change b/c i am me and that is all.

Sadness:
I'm to old to cry but it doesn't mean i don't hurt. I lie awake hoping wondering when she will return. Sad b/c i fear she won't. I find my self in bouts of depression wanting to cry for all the pain in my life and then wanting to cry more b/c i realize others have it worse than me. I find tears welling up in my eyes when i think of his past knowing he'd be mad if he knew the pity i felt for him.

Hope:
I hope I can be happy and those around me will be to. I hope for a bright future not only for me but for all others. I hope i can make up for the pain in his heart and i hope one day she will return and not leave.

Happiness:
What i feel when we are together and safe just hanging out and having fun. Being able to laugh like nothing could ever go wrong. The way i feel when he wraps his arms around me and kisses me gently. The way the whole world seems to disappear and none of the problem are real.

Regret:
Regretting all my mistakes and not being able to fix the things that go wrong even if they are not my fault

Surprise:
ugh i hate surprises but he loves they way i look when i'm surprised so i think deep down inside me i like when he surprises me. And knowing this i can't completely hate it.

Love:
I love my family and how they are always there for me and love and protect me. My friends who i could not live with out and would not want to. Love for him and the way he looks at me not the me i see when i look in a mirror but a me when i look at him when i am with him. The me that is real and happy.

Uncertain:
Sometimes I'm not even sure I'm so used to hiding my pain I've started to believe myself. That I'm happy as can be that i don't care at all that words can't hurt me. I know these are lies but i tell myself them anyway making me uncertain of what i feel.

Boredom:
Haha yeah times like now with nothing to do but watch re runs on the TV or read but i guess i should be greatfull for times where everything is ok and peaceful.